People Users, Abusers, Manipulators & Sociopaths
How to defend yourself
How do people allow themselves to be used? It is easy to see it in another person's life but not so with ourselves. When we see an emotionally abused person we think to ourselves that, "I would never let that happen to me because I am a strong individual" or we say that the person must have a very low self-esteem.
The problem is, at the beginning of a new relationship, the manipulation is subliminal. If they are good at it then it won't be noticed until long after a pattern in ingrained in the relationship.
The three profiles of an exploiter
- The Love Bomber
- The Helpless One
- The Equivocator
Defending oneself against being taken advantage of the three tactics used in tandem might seem too hard to do but establishing a protective fence for self-preservation is easier than becoming depressed and disabled from such emotional abuse.
The exploiter will adroitly transform themselves like a shape-shifter when ever a victim becomes aware of being manipulated. These changes can happen so quickly it is as if trying to hold on to a wiggling slippery eel when you are close to becoming aware of their false nature.
THE LOVE BOMBER
The Love Bomber is the love fraud. Like a broken record from a cheesy Spanish love song, there is no depth in conversation other than, "I love you, I want you, I need you." An endless refrain of platitudes and the feeling of being put on a pedestal from this sweet talker is a set-up for the eventual hard fall. When you are all used up, with no money, no housing and no support system to get yourself back up, that person will then totally and completely abandon you with no more remorse than if discarding a used toilet paper.
Buttering you up doesn't have to be romantic. By mirroring your own hopes and desires, the exploiter will agree with everything you say. When pressed and asked what do they think of a situation, the exploiter retreats into a feigned humbleness that is the deflection not to have the true self revealed. You will be told that you are, smart,talented, successful, humorous, courageous, imaginative, inquisitive,confident and just altogether different than anybody they have ever met before.
Playing the servant, pretending to be working hard only for you without any thought of themselves, appearing humbly submissive and the martyr, these are the slick and surreptitious ways to deflect any criticism against themselves. A passive aggressive person will say yes to your face, but have no intention of keeping a promise. If called on the the carpet for repeated failure to follow through on promises, they play dumb, act hurt and vilify you for being so harsh and ruthless.
The User will then shame you for questioning the high moral standards that they claim to posses, then divert the topic in question by throwing in a Red Herring into the mix, pushing your buttons to forget the original problem. If you are finally able to nail jelly up against the tree, then minimization of their own bad behaviour will occur.
This is when the double standard begins to appear. They allow themselves mistakes and being human, but if you are questioning the person or express any displeasure at their supposed self sacrifice they have suffered "only for you" - then you will be vilified and raked over the coals repeatedly, often months afterwards the original 'sin' that you 'committed'.
How can a manipulator be able to twist you around their little finger so adeptly? It's because they know you better than you know yourself.Lack of self-knowledge is a weakness. Exploiters love co-dependents.There is nothing wrong with being co-dependent if the other is just as co-dependent as yourself. But a Exploiter will seek out like a heat missile, people who want to feel good about themselves by helping other unfortunates. So now we come up to to the next profile, 'The Victim'.
THE VICTIM
This is the person who makes other people feel sorry for them, and involves anybody near with their own problems. The drama queen whose life's situation is not any fault of their own but from some outside source. Hopelessly irresponsible, they don't want a hand up but a handout. Even a drowning person will reach a hand up for somebody to pull them out, but not these people. As if in a quagmire of quicksand, they quickly pull in whatever help is extended to them down into their own demise. If you call them out about how how the person is not making any effort to help themselves they use emotional blackmail to camouflage the zero respect that they have for your own personal space. They don't respect your 'no' for an answer.
AA has a phrase for this it's called "hitting bottom', retreating help and enabling forces the person to take stock of themselves through tough love. It is most difficult for family members to contend with the myriad of game playing from an recovering addict. It hurts because a person wants to help a distressed person but if do, only prolong the agony of recovery. Users enjoy codependents' need to feel needed and exploit this desire through shaming, passive hostility and subtle intimidation. These people feel that their toxic coping mechanisms individuals are justified for survival.
Shrewd, skillful and deliberate, once a con's ploy is exposed, the victim will feel distaste within themselves to be allowed to be so duped and won't report it. Feeling self doubt in their own awareness of people's intentions, the aftermath of such a cruel betrayal leaves a person less self assured in their own judgment of reality .Taking advantage of gullible people is an art form. For an example then listen to Dante's Inferno description of the innermost circle of Hell in this excerpt.
THE LIAR
This is the hardest part to deal with because with every lie there is a grain of truth, and with every true statement there is a lie. Remember the adage, "I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." Overtime they will be caught in their own web of lies. Listen to you own inner voice, don't be their puppet. Think logically, as Judge Judy says, "If it don't make sense then it's a lie."
Manipulative tactics in a nutshell
- Denial
- Selective Inattention
- Rationalization
- Diversion
- Lying, equivocation
- veiled Threats
- Playing the innocent victim
- Vilifying the codependent
- Seduction
- Minimization
Ways to eliminate manipulation in your relationships
- List a inventory of the manipulative behavior.
- Stay alert
- Stop responding to 'crazy-making', ignore them
- Don't tolerate overstepping of boundaries
Are You in an Emotional Abusive Relationship?
Ready to begin the unmasking ?
Safety planning
- Early warning signs that your date may eventually become abusive
Trust your instincts. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of a way to remove yourself from the situation. - Making the decision to leave
Why doesnt she just leave? Its the question many people ask when they learn that a woman is being battered and abused. But if you are in an abusive relationship, you know that its not that simple.
Related Hubs by Ptosis
- How to Spot a Lie
- Trust Issues
- Intro to Game Prediction
Become a Hubber! & write online for money.
How to Deal with the Manipulators
- Brainwashing: Manipulative People
- How to Defend Yourself Against Manipulators
Tips on how to defend yourself against manipulators step by step. - Manipulative Behavior
- What Really Matters: Dealing With Manipulative People
- Dealing with Manipulative People - Dating, Relationship, Marriage, Sex
Dealing with Manipulative People can be tricky - if they're any good at it, you won't know you're being manipulated.
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Users, Abusers, Manipulators
When first begin a friendship with a person, any warning signs of a manipulator are going to be subliminal. This is on how to defend yourself in office politics and other relationships where people use power plays to get you to do what they want you to do without you realizing it.
“Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. ” - Pericles
I Don't Want to Play
A person unwilling to recognize the Machiavellian maneuvers of others, will leave themselves more open to becoming a victim in someone else's power plays. Know thy enemy. Know your own limitations and of your enemies and you can avail yourself from a trap.
A Pollyanna who thinks that being a non-player is possible will find themselves powerless to defend their mind and body. Avoiding stress related illness caused by working under a toxic person is the best reason to learn the techniques and tactics of defense. Control personal politics by empowering yourself with the knowledge of how the game is played.
A person does not have to become a vicious, corrupt, manipulative, insincere, power-hungry and unethical person to play the game in order to defend oneself. Machiavelli was not evil, just being realistic in how the world is.
“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.” - Sun Tzu
"Knowledge is power. " - Francis Bacon
Take the Machiavelli Test and see the result of over 400 responses and results.
Got Game?
What do you do when you feel out of control, helpless to overcome the tsunami of emotion overwhelming you? Do you stop to observe yourself as to why or blindly react? Emotions are valid but are you responding reasonably or reacting to the moment?
Suffering from acute severe emotional distress? Remember that "This to Shall Pass" - a proverb reminding you that all things are temporary. The philosophy of 'Living In the Now' is not always a path to happiness.
We cannot stop having emotions but don't have to be slaves to them. Think of the triggers that may cause emotional hijacking. People should not try to eliminate distress but regulate it somewhat. An unexpected stimulus is hard to respond and not react to. But imagine a known trigger of yours and how to respond graceful beforehand will help in any future scenario when someone is trying to push your hot buttons.
Do not become codependent on the approval of others because that is a sure sign to social predators that you can be a manipulated. Emotional health is part of taking care of your overall health. Self respect is needed to demand from your life a safe place to live and work, control your environment and allow yourself freedom from constant fear.
When I had to move to the highest crime ridden area of Honolulu Hawaii in the downtown Chinatown area, I mentally had in my hands a bible. I didn't need an actual bible to feel 'The Armor of God' and 'The Sword of the Spirit'. I just did not want to walk or act like a potential victim by having my shoulders hunched over in shame or the look of fear in my stature that would attract would be thieves or con artists.
The Smoke & Mirrors of Tezcatlipoca
“The secret of acting is sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made.” - George Burns
"Pose as a friend, work as a spy." - Robert Greene
“Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies even closer.” - Sun-Tzu
“Feigning wounds so as to gain an advantage in an attack is also a violation of international law. However, feigning injuries or even death to stop an attack is not.” - Scott Silliman
“And in this curious state I had the realization, at the moment of seeing that stranger there, that I was a person like everybody else. That I was known by my actions and words, that my internal universe was unavailable for inspection by others. They didn't know. They didn't know, because I never told them.” - Kim Stanley Robinson
“Be not the slave of your own past - plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with new self-respect, with new power, and with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
“In hindsight it may seem effortless, but there's a lot of work that goes into it. ” - Harry Connick
“These cats' paw terror groups have been doing Iran's bidding in murdering Israelis.” - States News Service
“A man who is used to acting in one way never changes; he must come to ruin when the times, in changing, no longer are in harmony with his ways.” - Niccolò Machiavelli
Related Hubs by Ptosis
Mental Illness, Borderline, Antisocial, Bipolar, Symptoms, Signs, Disorder, Personalities, Diagnosis, Dysfunction, Sociopathic, Relationships, Statistics, Psychology, Criminal by ptosis theseus
Last updated on November 29, 2014
Follow (20)Comments 76 comments
Here is the situation:
I am sitting here in a famous chain-type lunch place, featuring attractive young ladies in shorts.... you know where I mean....I happen to be up in the midwest.
As I stare into my margarita, I have to think. I have 1.4 million frequent flyer miles, accumulated over the last 20 years, a lot of it spent in places much more unpleasant than this, trying to keep a roof over the head of my fat, idiotic wife. Those of you who are frequent flyers know exactly how miserable this is, after awhile....Bad food, no sleep, airports, other bullshit that you have to put up with including cretin bosses, endless pointless meetings, and the inevitable layoff, which I went through a couple of years ago.
About her: Master's degree, she has had one paycheck in her life, which she got in 1983 when she worked for some day care, and that stopped the week she found out she was PG. She gained 75 lbs in the 80;s when she popped out our second kid, and still has most of it.
Right now, while I am doing this, she is having lunch with some friends, or walking the dog, or some other pleasant activity while I am still having to put up with a dead end styrofoam job, in an industry that no one gives a shit about since all of the manufacturing has gone to china.....
I will come home tonight, tired from the airport and the long drive back out to suburbia, hit the button and drive into the garage in the house that I paid for over all of these years, and will walk into the kitchen. It will be a mess, shit on the counters, the sink full of dishes, a film of grease everywhere. The dog will greet me at the door but the wife will be glued to the TV. I will not be able to find clean clothes to wear to work tomorrow and there will be no food either on the table, in the fridge or anywhere else around. I am having a big lunch because I know this will be the case.
A few years ago, when our kids were around, it might have almost made sense. After all, those little kids are the most precious things in the world to us, and it is worth some sacrifice to the family finances and general order to have her not work and stay around to take care of them. If she was too tired at the end of the day to do a couple of little things to support me a little bit, I was willing to let that go. Having a loving mother meet them at the door when they come home made so much sense.... And guess what, they both are high achievers.....the strategy was brilliantly successful.
But, the youngest one graduated from high school years ago,and since then, I have to wonder WTF? y'know? Who the hell are you supporting now?
So for five years, she has basically been sitting on her ass, doing squat, while I have been out here in this unsatisfying job putting a roof over her head. You would think because of this at the very least she would keep herself in a state like one of these little knockout wait chicks that are walking around me, and screwing my lights out every night when I come home, but you know, if I am really lucky, I might get it in a week or two.....and it will be bad. She will roll over on her back, I will do what I have to do, and that will be it. It's not like I am some fat bald slug, either, I work my ass off to keep in some kind of shape.....you will have to trust me on this one.
I really ought to just dump her. Do I owe her one thing? No, I do not. But, in the eyes of the state of Texas if I do dump her, she will get half of "our" net worth I worked so hard to accumulate all of this time. Does that seem right? Well, there are reasons that the law is set up like it is.
There are also laws against going home and slapping the shit out of her, which is what I would really like to do. But I cannot do that. I am a lover, and not a fighter, and she is the way she is because I have allowed her to be that way. It is partly my fault.
So, I do not really want to dump her, I cannot really go home and beat her, so what's the next most hurtful thing I can do to her to get back at her.... I can go out and have an affair. I can find some little lady, kind, beautiful, that appreciates me as a person, and nail the hell out of her as often as I can get away with it. Yeah, I know, I'm breaking a commandment or two, but those laws were made up 6000 years before the jet airplane and the average life expectancy was 35, and also, if I am not mistaken, it was not at all unheard of for the men in that society to beat the hell out of their women if they were not in line.....
I am really tempted to sit her down and tell her this too.... and email it to all of her friends as well, along with the whole story. In a way, that would be fitting.... and might be the relationship equivalent of a two-by-four slapped upside the head. It's an option.
So what's the objection?
UMmmmmm...sounds exactly like the father of my 3 kids and partner of 12 years.EXACTLY.Well,now ex as of last few weeks,as he lined up the next 'VICTIM'..MAKING completely sure he had a new source to draw on.He did the exact same to the woman before me,which i only recently discovered.He kept tryin to get her back the whole while with me!Hes in honeymood period now!!!AHHhh,i remember it well,I also know he'll never change..and the day too will come for his sorries and i-love-yous.But because of 'STORIES' like above...'VICTIMS' like me..will think long and hard before PARASITES like my sweetie will ever be in our lives again.
What a great article. You hit the nail right on the head. People wonder how victims become subordinate to sociopaths and your explanation and the film tell just how that happens. I hope you don't mind me linking to this excellent hub.
That was a hard nail on a hard shell!!! Excellent!!!
For everything there is 3 sides: his side, her side and the unbiased truth.
I feel for you but I think that if I heard her side that I would feel for her too. I would feel bad for both of you even though I'm in a much worse situation. A situation for which I suffered only because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
But, I can self-pity myself for the fact that I did nothing to cause my detriment. You, on the other hand admit to creating the situation for which you now hate and wish to not be involved.
It sucks that we allow this kind of horrible scene to play out over and over. It's normal that you want out but it's even better that you feel responsible and for that reason don't feel that punishment would be completely justified.
AT least I hope that's how you feel.
I only have one piece of advice for you that may improve your situation:
Forget the past and forget the bad, just try to start over with her and no matter what kind of shit she throws your way, try to be the bigger person and rise above. Forgive her for being weak to the situation for which you helped create. It may take a lot of time and effort but if she eventually takes a step towards positive it will be you who benefits. On the other hand, if you try and try and continue to still try even after she has been nothing but shitty to you, you may not feel so bad about what ever kind of punishment you think she deserves.
But you gotta give her a chance, she may have allowed her brain to go to mush too so she may need a lot more time to realize what you are tryin to do, that you are tryin to improve yall's relationship
This is one of the best descriptions of a con artist I have ever read! This is exactly what I have been trying to warn women about with my articles. You have perfectly described the manipulator in a way that hits very close to home for many, many women. Thank you for this outstanding information!
I like this Hub very much and your description of each type of person. Good Hub. Oh, and congratulations on your HubNugget Nomination!
I've read this twice & can't get over how much it reminds me of some er....uh....persons who used to manipulate me. I especially like your picture of the little guy with the pointy ears and the description below him of "Exploitive hypocrite that skillfully twists words, dodges and evades coupled with character assassination. " That is just too bad...I love it.
Congratulations for your Hubnugget Nomination in the Gender and Relationships Category! Yes sounds like a Mcnugget that's for sure. LOL
This is the link to go to vote for this hub so do make sure to visit it: http://hubpages.com/_hubnuggets10/hub/The-Maltese-...
Great Hub I especially enjoyed the survey at the end. Gratz on the Hubnugges nomination.
ptosis... I liked your article. Interesting how you have provoked contravercy by the looks of some of the comments - good work! *wink*
P.S. How did you get a widget in your hub?
Loved your article! Lots of in-depth insight. You found a follower. I have some life experience under my belt and am still impressed!
The Dating Guru
www.nexttimelucky.blogspot.com
Great hub, I guess most people know at least one of each of the exploiter profile personalities. Congrats on being selected as one of the HubNuggets Wannabe nominees. Good luck to ya! :)
I just got out of a similar situation...He was loving, and compassionate, and understanding, and funny, and romantic.
He gradually became abusive...it hits you like a brick. You're already there but you have no idea how you got there and at that point you feel like you are in too deep.
He started calling me names and hitting me "jokingly". He would call me stupid, annoying, a bitch, a whore and every other name in the book when I was just sitting around reading. He stopped being affectionate in every way. I I were to hold his hand he would act like I was incredibly needy He make me feel bad for wanting even the smallest amount of attention but when I didn't want physical attention he would guilt me into it.
I felt trapped because I lived with him, I loved him, I wanted him to change so badly, I believed that he could change but I was wrong.
He would guilt me into a lot of things...or I would do what he wanted because I didn't want to get yelled at.
Whenever I would stand up for myself he would tell me that he is changing for me when really he was doing nothing and I was sacrificing things I loved for him.
He gradually became more and more violent.
Then he started threatening to hit me.
Then he actually hit me.
When I broke up with him he threatened to commit suicide.
He threatened to take me down with him.
He pinned me up against a wall with his hand on my throat threatening to choke me.
...despite all of these actions he would go on hour long rants about how I was the messed up one. Sometimes I would take it sometimes I would fight back.
Through all of this:
He admitted he had a problem and got my sympathy.
He constantly said he was trying to change.
He told me I was wrong and crazy and stupid so often that I started to believe it.
My friends told me I was wrong for staying with him but that just made me feel attacked from every angle.
I felt stupid, weak, and worthless.
I am very aware of my weaknesses but so was he and he knew how to manipulate every single part of me...
The thing is...I started to figure all of this out early on but I wanted to help him because I loved him.
The more I "helped" him the more worthless I felt.
Then one day; I had an epiphany.
No matter how hard I tried he would NEVER change and more importantly he didn't even WANT to change.
He was going to use up ever ounce of me until he either killed me emotionally or literally.
I never liked his abuse.
I never craved it.
I don't crave it.
I don't have a history with guys like that and the women that do well...It's not the woman who seeks out the abusive guy/woman, but the abusive guy that seeks you out.
I say you because it can happen to anyone.
A wrong place, wrong time, really wrong person who sees that you are at a vulnerable point in your life.
Nobody wants this, nobody craves this...
If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, mental or physical:
Don't judge them.
Don't give up on them.
Offer to help them but don't force it upon them.
Be there for them when they need you.
I feel bad for the man I loved, the man I left because I won't make the same mistakes because now I know what to look for.
I believe he truely loved me but he couldn't get close to anyone with out making them feel worthless because that's how he felt. It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, "You hurt the ones you love."
I feel sorry for him because he will go on repeating the same patterns...and lead a miserable life.
I wish I could say he will change for someone some day but statistics tell me otherwise.
ptosis, what a great, great hub. I'm sure a lot of us can identify somewhat with some of this. I declare I was totally mesmerized. When I read that first response, I was mystified, did he read what I read. And poor T she really suffered, but glad to see she got out safe. I can't wait to read more. I truly love your writing.
Hey Ptosis! Just caught your responce to my comment LOL! I'm a lil slow these days.
As for your question, technically, no. The raven and the crow come from two different family genis. They are very similar, except that the raven is usually larger than the crow. . . . I just might hub this HAHA! At any rate, both are highly intelligent birds that tend to make and use tools in their daily hunting and/or building.
Check back with me and I will get more information up. Thanks for the idea :)
ptosis
I relate ALOT to 'T'. NOt half as bad but unhealthy. very similar: suicide threats, manipulation etc
I've been trying to get out for 4 yrs but I feel awful alone. Otherwise I could get away asap. thou i got addicted to his uniqueness etc
Your writing is very impressive on this hub esp. I'm starting to feel you are very veery intelligent and that this happened to you.
I wish you the best. This is so evil--I don't understand it--like are these people possessed?!
can you help me?
Thanks for the advice-SG
i loved this! i was in an emotionally abusive relationship once, and i think you're doing a great thing and putting out the warning signs and you're really making people aware. You're saving lives, minds, and hearts with what you're doing. great job :)
Well, Ptosis. I spent the better part of my youth watching my mother and step father battling it out and know exactly what you're talking about.
Oddly, she seemed to go from one abusive relationship to another, making her seem like she was some sort of magnet for creeps.
It's not nice to know that others have the same issues with these people, but it is strangely comforting to know that she isn't the only one this happens to.
I only wish that when it was happening, there was advice like this available. Then again, I don't know that she would have admitted then that there was anything wrong.
Keep up the good work.
Really good informative hub. All true traits and I've been in a ton of relationships with many of these types. Brings back memories.
Well written, ptosis. You just described my wife. I got the trifecta: Love Bomber, Liar and Victim. Married five years, she's wiped me out, left me on the edge of homelessness (while she drives off in the car I bought her into her new 'use garçonnière' with a wealthy married father of four.
But as I say, No victims, only volunteers. Stick your hand in the fire you's gets burned. I should have been more observant.
Great hub! The comments were just as great. This is a lot to take in so I will be reading it again. I hope affairwatch's situation has improved.
everybody needs a little training early in adulthood on how to identify and deal with sociopaths...awesome info
and neat selection of topix!
Wow, my best friend nearly got involved with a guy who a trifecta. He seemed all nice but there was something seriously wrong about him. Just before she was about to start a relationship with him she found out that he stalks his now married ex girlfriend and threatens her. She's scared that he'll do the same to her now that she's broken off the friendship and has got a different guy. What can she do?
Thank you so much, ptosis. I will tell her to do that. I really appreciate that :)
Very good article. And, some pretty interesting comments.
Is that affairguy comment for real? If he isn't for real, the situation he describes is.
What I don't understand is why these guys insist on trying to have sex with women who clearly don't want them, but they do it anyway and then complain about it. The woman is stuck with you, fella. It's called a marriage license and you think it's your certificate of ownership. And, we know that nobody listens when we say, No." And, if we say it often enough we end up getting sexually brutalized. The term for this is marital rape. It's why there are so many divorces!
I watched the video, too. Short, but very good. I wanted to hear more from this lady because I've been there, too. I had a romantic thing going with a guy for about 6 months once. I had no idea he was married and had three children! I was devastated when I found out and that was when I first saw what remarkably convincing liars sociopaths could be. They will create a world for you and then destroy it and you in the process.
Accolades!
In the last year, I have allowed a master manipulator into my life. I really, really should have known better but he just walked into my life and turned me inside-out. This article, of all the many I have read, really pins down exactly what happened in my case and describes this guy perfectly. I tend to want to analyze, then pigeon-hole disruptive things in my life, but I realize now, it doesn't matter. With very little effort, my boss found a way to jump into my life and my head, then almost destroy me. I am still reeling from his behavior towards me, which, thankfully, never became physical even though he did hit on me. He was always guarded and surreptious, but sometimes would say things that knocked me off my feet and made me think he truly cared. I was not listening to my gut because most of the time it was screaming at me to stop getting sucked into this cycle of caring followed by complete neglect. He'd jump into my life and world, then cut me off like a dead fish on a line. Snap! The details don't matter but suffice to say he got fired (not because of me) and every day that I go to work, I can still see and feel him around me and visualize us talking in this room, that corner, sharing stories, laughing and connecting. He tried to make me think we had a connection and I went right for it. Now, my already low self-esteem is completely gone, I still want to talk to him and straighten things out but I realize that can't happen as there is nothing to straighten out. I SO look forward to the day when I can let him go!! The funny part is that I wasn't really attracted to him. HE came on to me, reeled me in, then lied and dumped on me. I just want the pain and insecure feelings gone and to stop wasting my life on this piece of crap person. Thank you for this excellent piece that so well describes my experience. I have bookmarked it so that I can read and re-read during those bad times I have.
correction: surreptitious
My confidence is so shattered, I don't want to look as stupid as I feel. Thanks
Thx, ptosis, you don't know how right on your article is...I've looked at my situation from every angle and have never really formulated things the way you have and it all makes so much sense. In all my years and I'm not a youngster, I've never met anyone who's affected me this way. As he was getting in deeper and deeper trouble at work and personal life, I decided I was sick of putting up with his s as well. I did *NOT* feel sorry for him as he was never straight with me and just twisted me into a pretzel, albeit I allowed it but he was so so smooth. I let him know that he had hurt *me* too and was responsible for it. He started going off about how he had only committed sins of omission, not commission against me so it was not a big deal!! He liked to talk religion and also made a lot of religious comments during our "friendship." I'm sure it was shoved down his throat as a kid and he's dying of guilt because of it. I couldn't care less...so hurt and angry. Time I hope will heal this. I am just beginning to really understand what happened!!
Again, you are one astute person....you've got to have a background in psychology?? And a hell of a lot of good common sense.
True..another interesting thing I've realized is that he never used "I" statements when commenting about me...instead of "I really like you or care about you," it was "In my eyes you can do no wrong." What the hell is that? Biblical again. I think it was an invite to the broom closet. Since I didn't bite, and he had so much other stuff going on in his life (and I assume many women), I'm sure he was prob only humoring me so I wouldn't rat him out. But why ask me over to his house for the day when we were both recuperating from surgeries? Why look at me when he didn't think I was looking with such a look of love on his face? Why send me 20 emails when I tried to end our "friendship" because he was acting so inconsistently. Even as I type, I realize it doesn't matter. He had an agenda that was all about him and didn't include me. I so badly want to know the truth. And I know that even if I called and asked him, I would only get lies, smoke and mirrors. It's so frustrating. My obsessive nature doesn't help at all to let it go. Thx for all the help and *therapy*, ptosis. Sorry you had to go through this nightmare. Learning about this condition has provided a lot of comfort as well as the frustration. It's good knowing I'm not alone and I feel others' pain. It's taking a long time for the sun to come out again though.
I promise to shut up after this comment, but I also want to just cringe when I think that I said things to him like, "You're in my heart," and "I care about you," and "I want what's best for you," and "Can I get a hug before my surgery?" I confided many personal things to him. In response to all of this I got a blank stare. When he confided in me, of course, being an empath, I responded. I don't understand how or why I allowed this abuse. I never got a hug and when I left for surgery, he said, "Have fun with that." However, when I got home, there was an email waiting for me about how I was going to fully recover, "you know that, don't you?" Then when I got home from the hospital, 2 more notes that said, "I can't wait to see you!" What? Why? I need to *believe* in this guy's illness and try to get this to flow to my gut and live there. Intellectually I get it, but there's that little voice that says, "He just wasn't into you and then stayed involved in your life so you wouldn't tell his boss what he was up to." Why does it matter? He totally confused me and I so wanted to believe in him. I recall one time, I flicked his back when he got back from vacation as I walked past him...he didn't even turn around. I made excuses for that, for everything negative and abusive he did and hung onto those little + things that were just fluff.
These are excellent sites and as I read I wonder if this crummy guy was just a hypersexual nut looking for someone to play 2nd string on Wed just in case one of his girls didn't show up. He did start and keep the ball rolling with me but in hideous, punishing ways, which made me feel humiliated. Then when someone reported him for something (I have no idea what happened), he became crazed and tried like hell to keep me on his side, of course. I was so vulnerable, I thought he cared but I saw the signs all along. He was barely there. Maybe it's all me just fantacizing and being needy. He did try to call me a few times on his last day at the office (I was home sick) and I avoided his calls as he had been so crazy (desperate) and I was just too anxious and shocked to talk to him. He never tried again. Even a passive -aggressive nut + socio + mal narc + master manipulator with severe David Duchovny-itis would care enuf to find a way to touch base. I think he was just not that into me. I am 12 years older. I need to find a way to get out of the obsessive thinking...he was and I guess, still is, a huge distraction for me and if he had come after me, professed his love and really wanted a relationship, I probably would have fled. I'm not all that healthy either...
http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-t...
Hope folks get a lift and maybe some old-fashioned reminders about their worth from this...it's a huge defense against those who would try to make us feel worthless, which is one of the most important things these pathetic soul-sucking creatures try to do to people. Caring about yourself is their silver stake.
Not a bad idea ptosis! Thanks for being a terrific and caring person - I guess you know how much I appreciate it. You're right about the teeth....my nightguard has holes in it.
Much to my dismay, disgust, AND regret, I married the 'con' 41 years ago. I'll be 60 years old in 2 months, and let me tell you; I have been through hell.
I'm too old and too sick to even try to start a new life. But, what time I do have left on this earth will be on MY terms. I've considered my Creator while contemplating these 'terms' during the past few years. I had to; I've no doubt whatsoever that He carried me many times when I wasn't even able to move.
I wasn't a saint (there are no saints), but I was pretty damn close to it. I bore his children, provided him a clean, safe and loving home, home-cooked meals, etc.
I was there for him mentally, physically, emotionally and even spiritually. There for his ups, his downs and all his in-between's. While I was 'there', he wasn't.
Looking back, it was strange how he managed to manufacture excuses to be 'absent' most of the time.
He was an excellent lair and con. He still is.
I couldn't even begin to tell the half of it here in this comment section. It's much too long and, quite frankly, unbelievable. No joke, this is 'book' material. So much so that a friend that I'd met, approximately 13 years ago, suggested that I write a book. Looking back, I do believe she was right.
Tacking these past 13 years on to what I'd already told her, it'd probably make the top 10 list.
If I have ample time left, I just might take her up on that suggestion.
Well, thank you for allowing me to rant and thank you for your time. This was indeed an interesting article.
Peace, Love & Laughter To All ~ Have A Great Weekend!
ptosis, I gleaned a lot from your article. I've been recovering from an abusive/narcissistic marriage for six years now (left him in '06). I keep reading articles, and it helps. So thanks!
Again, ptosis, great hub with great information. Voted up and awesome and I'm honored you have a link to one of my hubs. That must be where all the traffic is coming from your page! Thanks! Anyway, it's amazing to me to start hearing how many people have had experiences with people like this. I just don't understand how some people are able to shut their emotions down and treat people like they do not matter. It is so sad to me.
Been there, experienced that, ain't going back again! You have painted the picture well, and your suggestions are sound. Judging from some of the comments you have hit a nerve with a few. It is hard to spot these behaviors early on in a relationship, but once they have been spotted we need to find the Exit door as quickly as possible.
"If it doesn't make sense then it is a lie." These words are so true and apply in all kinds of relationships. When you are being lied to, the person doesn't respect you and will continue to lie for their own selfish reasons. You cannot be number one with a liar. You have written a useful hub. Great job.
Jeff Neil sounds like the perfect abuser that this article is about! Excellent example of the kind of people we are trying to avoid. Thanks for showing your true colors, creep!
I do believe you've made Hub Page History. Never, have I been so impressed (and entertained) with this list of comments. I'd say they are long - but that would be cutting it short :)
Magnificent post. I've spent the last hour here. *chuckling*.
These are such important life skills, especially for young women to learn, before stepping in to a committed relationship. Some people are master manipulators. It can be detrimental to stay in a relationship with someone who is devious.
There was a book I read quite a few years ago called Men who Hate Women and Women who Love them. It talked about men with master egos that perpetrate these scenarios to gain trust of unsuspecting women to use them and then crush them.
Great hub and voted up. I used to always be affected by those types of negative people, but you learn the hard way.
I think people get taken advantage of because they want to be liked, but others just don't care. They will take advantage of those people who let them.
My new attitude is that if the person does not care enough about me to be nice to me, then why would I give them any different respect?

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Jeff Neil 4 years ago
Wow, what a crappy, ummmm.......story? This is why people get to write "news" without being paid. Real journalists actually have to say something, not that I am saying that this is any way journalism or factual.
When I wrote this, all I could think of was how much the author clearly enjoys getting to be a "victim."
Fail.